valkyriechan

you know, visiting this site still makes me really sad. it's not about the art anymore (i've complained about this before, but i'm taking a more trained approach these days)... i mean it is, but only sort of. there are lots of great artists that get noticed if you dig deeply enough, and prop them up (instead of giving them completely useless llama badges >:/), but still, mostly, it's the stars that make home page, whether they finished their freaking work or not... because most of their work was done whoring themselves incessantly and i never had time or desire to do that. thought my art would carry itself only to find out like so many others that it's a popularity contest here on deviantart and also in the fineart world (which is sick in its own way--full of high-status addicts, purchasing millions of dollars worth of literal fecal crap with a famous name attached).

i also heard that deviant was watching to see if you were thanking your favers and commenters and that boosted your "status" somewhat as a "nice person." i apologize deeply to all of mine but, when i first signed on back in 2003, i was uploading so much, so quickly, just to back up my harddrive online, that i felt it asinine to respond to EVERY SINGLE comment and fave. turned out to hurt me in the long run. balls if i knew. i thought it was just like that.

HOWEVER, i understand now that i am cursed like Salieri in Amadeus. very much so. but at least you guys, you loyal, awesome, dedicated few fans don't actually make fun of me.

AND like the bruce lee quote goes: "it's like a finger pointing towards the moon. *SLAP* dont pay attention to the finger or you'll miss the glory of the moon." i'm just the finger, honestly. these things i give unto thee freely. just like you do. much admiration to you all. if you want to talk about it, i'm ALL EARS, darlings. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

sometimes... i pull up the old art in the gallery. i stare at it as if i was someone else and try to psychoanalyze the artist. i did notice something.

i used to draw strong-looking girls. sailor senshi in their primes, staring down the enemy. i had kick ass characters. they died... yeah. on the vine, too. it's pretty sad. i should probably mourn them. i see no reason to resurrect them.

i stopped doing the things i love. i had kids. a bunch of them. i love them... of course... i don't want to place blame. i can't really, in the big picture, if i had continued to pour energy into my art, i wouldn't have such gaps (that i fall through and drown beneath). i put that energy into my family... which is now tearing itself apart. often, though, i really feel that my art could have been better supported in just about every way. i had to build those supports myself, shaky and stupid, and they make me feel so sad... so alone. so stupid. so... so... stupid.

god this is hard.

anyway... i've been trying to build up the strength for months to commit to coming back to drawing STRONG WOMEN. no more little girls hiding in the bushes. no more submission. no more scratches on the skin... for my own enjoyment and courage to grow. because i'm growing whether i like it or not... and i must guide myself somehow. being guided by others has gotten me approximately nowhere besides absolute hell itself.

so here it is. i'm gonna scratch and claw. i'm gonna hurt people. i'm gonna take his head off. i never wanted to do that... forgiveness is way better than revenge... but i come with them both.

i realized all my sketches are open wounds.

thank you.

i was thinking on why my art isn't popular anymore. it was hot shit when sailor moon was hot shit. now disney's ice queen BM is what you're all excited over. call me an old lady that can't keep up with the times. i don't care. i'm going to stick with what rings true for me, illustrating what registers in my soul. not selling out for the whippersnappers. so contrived and kitchy... obnoxious. go "shine" elsewhere. i prefer heat.